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Ernie (The Fastest Milkman In The West) - Benny Hill

"Ernie (The Fastest Milkman In The West)" is an innuendo-laden comic song written and performed by Benny Hill. The song was first performed on TV in the 1970s, and released as a successful recording in 1971. The song was the UK Christmas number 1 single of the year.

Scroll and Sing:
You could hear the hoof beats pound
As they raced across the ground
And the clatter of the wheels as they spun round and round
And he galloped into market street, his badge upon his chest
His name was Ernie
And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west

Now Ernie loved a widow
A lady known as Sue
She lived all alone in linnely lane at number twenty two
They said she was too good for him
She was haughty proud an chic
But Ernie got his cocoa there three times every week
They called him Ernie
And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west

She said she'd like to bathe in milk
He said alright sweetheart
And when he'd finished work one night he loaded up the cart
He said you wanted pasturised 'cos pasturised is best
She say's Ernie I'll be happy if it comes up to me chest
And that tickled old Ernie
And he drove fastest milkcart in the west


Now Ernie had a rival
An evil looking man
Called Two ton Ted from Teddington
And he drove the bakers van
He tempted her with his treacle tarts and his tasty wholemeal bread
And when she'd seen the size of his hot meat pies it very near turned her head
She nearly swooned at his macaroon and he said now if you treat me right
You'll have hot rolls every morning, and crumpets every night
He knew once she'd sampled his layer cake he'd have his wicked way
And all Ernie had to offer her was pint of milk a day
Poor Ernie
And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west


One lunchtime Ted saw Ernies horse and cart outside her door
It drove him mad to find it was still there at half past four
And as he lept down from his van
Hot blood through his veins did coarse
He went across to Ernies cart and didn'arf kick his horse
Who's name was Trigger
And he pulled the fastest milkcart in the west

Now Ernie rushed out into the street his goldtop in his hand
He said if you wan to marry Susie you'll fight for her like a man
Oh why don't we play cards for her
He sneeringly replied
And just to make it interesting we'll have a shilling on the side
Now Ernie pulled him from his van a beneath the blazing sun
They stood there face to face
And ted went for his bun
But Ernie was to quick, things didn't go the way ted planned
And a strawberry flavoured yoghurt sent it spinning from his hand
Now Sue she rushed between them and tried to keep them apart
But Ernie pushed her aside and a rock cake caught him underneath his heart
And he looked up in pained surprise as the concrete hardened crust
Of a stale pork pie caught him in the eye
And Ernie bit the dust
Poor Ernie
And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west

Ernie was only fifty two
He didn't want to die
And now he's gone to make delivery's in that milkround in the sky
Where the customers are angels and ferocious dogs are banned
A milkmans life is full of fun in that fairy dair land
But a womans needs are many fold and Sue she married Ted
But strange things happened on their wedding night as they lay in their bed
Was that the treesa rustling, or the hinges of the gate
Or Ernies ghostly goldtops a rattling in their crate
They won't forget Ernie
And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west

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